Humour From the Colonel
by Baroness of Slytherin
Summary: Colonel Tavington has a sense of humour! Why yes, he certainly does...we'll just call it, 'The Butcher's Humour.' Enjoy & please review kindly!
1. Tavvy, Wilkins & Stumpy On the Edge!

TAVINGTON, WILKINS & STUMPY(aka, Mel Gibson):

Tavington: You know, I was reading something rather interesting today.

Wilkins: And that was what?

evil look

Wilkins: Erm...sorry, Sir.

Tavington: Well it says here waves paper at Wilkins , that Stumpy might have a new movie to do.

Wilkins: Well that's good, Sir.

rolls eyes

Tavington: How can that be good, WIlkins? Have you seen his last lot of movies? Terrible, terrible.

Wilkins: No Sir, I haven't seen much of what he's done.

Tavington: You're serious?

shuffling of feet

Wilkins: Yes Sir I am serious. I don't have much leisure time, you know?

rolls eyes again

Tavington: Well not all of us, can have leisure time to do as we please. I, being the Colonel of course, have quite a bit of it.

Wilkins: Yes, I know you do, Sir.

Stumpy wanders in

Tavington: Oh look, Stumpy came for his usual boring, annoying visit again...

grumbles

Stumpy: Shut it, Tavington.

shocked look from the Colonel

Tavington: Oh dear, looks like Stumpy got up on the short side of the bed today...

snickers

Stumpy: I killed you once, Tavington...

snickers more

Tavington: True, but as you can no doubt see, I'm very much alive still...I've got women falling at my feet, stories being wrote about me...what more could I ask for?

Wilkins: Another movie about you...

nasty look from Tavington

Wilkins: Sir!

Stumpy: You're dead! How can there be another movie about you?!

Tavington: Well you see, my dear Stumpy, they can always make one about my life BEFORE The Patriot. Unlike you, of course...

Stumpy: And that's suppose to mean what, Tavington?

snickers again

Tavington: Benjamin Martin is a right bore, honestly. What could they possibly do to make you look interesting? I've seen the last few movies you've undertaken...I offer my sincereiest sympathy to you.

bows slightly

Stumpy glares at him

Stumpy: What about that wizard you've been parading around as?

Tavington: Still an evil bastard.

Stumpy: So?

Tavington: Plus, he's wickedly handsome and sexy, and all the women want him. Not much difference between me and him..besides...

Wilkins interrupts

Wilkins: Sir?

Tavington: What Wilkins?!

clears throat

Wilkins: We've still got a war to fight.

Tavington eyes him furiously

Tavington: I know that you buffoon!

Stumpy: About that wizard...

Tavington: You still on about that, Stumpy? Ok fine, he carries a big stick, I carry a big sword...happy now?

Stumpy: Well sure...

Tavington: He's always trying to off people...I accomplished that...I'm called THE BUTCHER...he's called the DEATH EATER. Yes, again not much that's different, Stumpy.

Wilkins: Sir?

points saber at Wilkins

Tavington: Now what, Wilkins?!

Wilkins backs away

Wilkins: Erm Sir, the war...

smacks Stumpy

Stumpy: Hey, what did you do that for, Tavington?!

Tavington: Wilkins moved, you didn't...and, I don't like you much...

Wilkins: He killed you, Sir.

gives Wilkins a dirty look

Tavington: Need you always remind of that?! Honestly, it's not like I can't remember it! I WAS there, after all!

Stumpy: America is winning the war, Tavington.

Tavington: I know we have a war going on...

Wilkins: The Americans are wanting independance from Britain, Stumpy.

Tavington stares at him in disbelief

Tavington: They already got it, you idiot!

Wilkins: But Sir...

Stumpy: Well now, you know...Revolutionary War...

Tavington shakes his head

Tavington: You two are idiots...

Stumpy: Why do you say that? America is fighting a war on the enemy, to win her independance from tyanny...to sever ties with the King...

Tavington shakes head again

Tavington: Dear God, man! This isn't 1776! It's 2008! There is no King! America has been free for well over two hundred years now!

Stumpy looks confused

Stumpy: Didn't I tell you to stand in a trench, so that I could actually look you in the eye?

Tavington swears loudly

Tavington: I do not believe this...

Stumpy: What?


	2. Not In My Camp!

TAVINGTON: Wilkins?!

Wilkins looks round at the Colonel:

WILKINS: Sir?

TAVINGTON: I had two very, very pretty ladies...did they leave?

Wilkins looks confused

WILKINS: Ladies, Sir?

Tavington shakes his head

TAVINGTON: Yes Wilkins, LADIES.

WILKINS: I don't understand, Sir.

TAVINGTON: Ladies...women...females...you know, they have breasts, always smell nice...delicate...

Wilkins grins

WILKINS: Oh!

TAVINGTON: You have been spending way too much time with Stumpy, Wilkins. We need to find you a lovely and willing lady. No man in my legion will be girly!

WILKINS: Well, Sir...there is Borden...

the Colonel's eyes widen

TAVINGTON: Please tell me you're joking, Wilkins?

WILKINS: About what?

furious glare

WILKINS: Sir!

TAVINGTON: That's better. You need a woman, captain. We must ween you away from that nasty little snot, Stumpy. He's turning you girly. Can't have that.

WILKINS: But, Sir...

Eyes him

TAVINGTON: What, Wilkins?

WILKINS: But, Sir, I like spending time with Stumpy.

stares at him

TAVINGTON: This is worse then I first thought...BORDEN!

Borden enters the room

BORDEN: Sir?!

salutes the Colonel

TAVINGTON: See Wilkins? Borden knows how to come into a room! he also, knows how to greet me...

WILKINS: I always greet you in the proper way...

evil look

WILKINS: Sir!

TAVINGTON: You have yet to salute me, Wilkins. But, anyway...

Wilkins salutes the Colonel

BORDEN: Awfully slow, Wilkins.

WILKINS: Sorry.

Borden stares at him

WILKINS: I am not calling you Sir!

silence

WILKINS: Well I'm not...

TAVINGTON: You call Stumpy 'sir' all the time...

WILKINS: But...

raises eyebrow at him

WILKINS: Sir!

BORDEN: You called me in, Sir?

TAVINGTON: Why yes, of course I did...now see here, Borden...we have to do something about Wilkins. He's turning girly on us.

shock

BORDEN: It's that ruddy Stumpy, Sir! Always with him...pretty strange, wouldn't you say, Sir?

TAVINGTON: Yes, of course it's strange...now, I could see if Wilkins here, was with me all the time...

ponders that

TAVINGTON: Come to think on it, he is always with me...well, when he's not with Stumpy...

BORDEN: Quite true, Sir.

WILKINS: What's wrong with that?

TAVINGTON: Being he's with me all the time, unless again, he's with Stumpy...he should be damn manly! Oh but no! That raging, wannabe Colonel is making him a pansy! Can't have that...not in MY legion!

BORDEN: What should we do?

TAVINGTON: We must ween him off of Stumpy...find him a beautiful lady, who's willing to show him he's a man, and not Stumpy's 'toy.'

Wilkins blushes at this

TAVINGTON: Stop that! You are a man, I tell you!

points musket at him

WILKINS: Yes, Sir!

finally salutes the Colonel

BORDEN: Took you long enough, captain.

WILKINS: Shut it, Borden.

TAVINGTON: Even talks like Stumpy...this is quite serious...

thinks about what to do

TAVINGTON: BORDEN!

Borden looks around, startled

BORDEN: Sir?

salutes him

TAVINGTON: Where are you?

Borden and Wilkins look at him, confused

BORDEN: Standing next to you, Sir.

TAVINGTON: GAH! I'm telling you, this problem has me forgetting where my own men are!

WILKINS: Sorry, Sir.

TAVINGTON: You should be...

BORDEN: So, what are we to do about this situation, Sir?

TAVINGTON: Hmmm, well I could do one of two things...I COULD just let it alone, allow what happens, to happen...but, that would make all the Royal Green Dragoons look like a bunch of raving girls. No, can't do that. Or, I COULD just...

Evil grin

BORDEN: Sir?

Wilkins looks scared

TAVINGTON: They don't call me 'The Butcher,' for nothing...

bigger evil grin, points musket at Wilkins

Wilkins squeals

WILKINS: Sir?!

TAVINGTON: I've got a reputation to uphold here, Wilkins...

WILKINS: But, Sir..?!

Borden laughs

TAVINGTON: It's either you, or your girlfriend...

Wilkens thinks about it

TAVINGTON: Well?

WILKENS: Me or Stumpy, Sir?

TAVINGTON: Yes, Wilkins.

thinks more

WILKINS: Stumpy who, Sir?

TAVINGTON: Not so stupid after all, Wilkins...


	3. Disgruntled Writer Demands Attention!

TAVINGTON: Borden?!

still standing next to the Colonel

BORDEN: Yes, Sir?

TAVINGTON: We seem to have yet another problem.

Borden grins

BORDEN: Wilkins again, Sir?

TAVINGTON: Thankfully, no.

BORDEN: Then what is it, Sir?

the Colonel grins faintly

TAVINGTON: Seems we have a disgruntled writer in our camp.

BORDEN: Oh?

eyes him

BORDEN: Sir.

TAVINGTON: Yes Borden, she seems to think I'm messing with her story. Can't imagine why, she would think such thoughts.

BORDEN: Who would she be, Sir?

TAVINGTON: Ah yes, Lady Susanne is her name...other wise known as "shadowmagnet." Styles herself my biographer.

Borden laughes

BORDEN: You could hang her for treason, Sir.

TAVINGTON: That's true, Borden, but why would I do that? I don't go around hanging beautiful women.

Borden rolls his eyes at this

BORDEN: Sir, that's not entirely true...

the Colonel glares at him

TAVINGTON: Ok fine! I have done that, but this one...no, I shall not harm her in any way, shape or form. She's good at what she does, and always makes me look good.

BORDEN: Unlike Stumpy, Sir?

TAVINGTON: He just makes me look, dead...

Shudders at the thought

BORDEN: So what will you do about her, Sir?

TAVINGTON: Well, since she does make me look good, she calls me sexy and handsome, worships me, she can continue writing my story.

BORDEN: A good thing then, right?

furious look

BRODEN: Sir! Sorry, Sir!

TAVINGTON: Yes, it's a very good thing, Borden. And besides, she's quite beautiful, and you know how I like beautiful women. Plus, she's not one of those simpering, fainting, whining girls...

BORDEN: Like Wilkins, Sir?

TAVINGTON: Don't forget Stumpy, Borden.

BORDEN: Yes, Stumpy too, Sir.

TAVINGTON: Now, she says I'm messing with her story...says I'm being quite the complicated man, which is causing her problems with writing the next chapter in my story.

BORDEN: Are you, Sir?

wicked laugh

TAVINGTON: Perhaps.

Borden stares at him, amused

BORDEN: Oh? Sir...

TAVINGTON: Yes, I do like making her go all weak in the knees. I make her drool apparently, and every time she watches that blasted movie, she cries at a certain scene.

BORDEN: The scene where Stumpy kills you, Sir?

the Colonel shudders

TAVINGTON: That's the one...

shudders again

BORDEN: What about the other scenes, Sir? How does she feel about those, Sir?

TAVINGTON: Oh, she was all for me lopping off Stumpy's head...oh but no, the little snot got the better of me. And, she said she laughed wickedly when I had Wilkins burn the church...

snickers evilly

BORDEN: I think we all did, Sir.

TAVINGTON: Of course you did, Borden.

BORDEN: And the other scenes, Sir?

wicked laugh

TAVINGTON: Well, she thought it was total rot, that I had to stand in that trench, just so Stumpy wouldn't feel like a short little bastard...which, he IS a short little bastard.

BORDEN: It was total rot, Sir.

TAVINGTON: Of course it was, Borden! Stumpy should have been on his knees at my feet! He may have been the star of it, but..HA! I stole the damn thing right out from under him! Even Lady Susanne said he should have been my servant!

wicked laughter again

BORDEN: Yes he shoud have, Sir.

TAVINGTON: And, of course, she thought General Cornwallis was an annoying old man...poor girl, she's descended from him...plus, she thinks he wanted me to die...was even hoping I would. Bah, he got his wish...but, people still talk about me, and not one word about him...revenge is sweet, Borden.

BORDEN: Yes Sir, it is.

Tavington: Borden?!

Borden looks around again, startled

BORDEN: Right here, Sir!

TAVINGTON: Oh, there you are...so...

BORDEN: What are you going to do about her, Sir?

TAVINGTON: She can be my official biographer, and she can also, be the official kicker of Stumpy. She seems to get alot of joy out of doing that.

BORDEN: Who wouldn't, Sir?

TAVINGTON: Wilkins, Borden...he likes him, remember?

BORDEN: Oh yes, sorry I wasn't thinking, Sir.

TAVINGTON: Nevermind, Borden.

BORDEN: She's going to be quite happy with her rank in the legion, Sir.

TAVINGTON: As well she should be. Think she would be happy, if I made her a Royal Green Dragoon, too?

BORDEN: Of course she would, Sir!

smiles

TAVINGTON: Good, then it's official, she's now a Royal Green Dragoon. She's officially my personal biographer, official kicker of Stumpy and...

BORDEN: There's more, Sir?

TAVINGTON: Yes, of course there's more, Borden!

Borden shuffles feet

TAVINGTON: She's also, my mistress. Now that, I KNOW will make her happy.

BORDEN: Of course, Sir...very good idea, Sir.

glares at him

TAVINGTON: And, just for the record, please pass along to the other Dragoons, that she's now Lady Tavington. They are to salute her, just like they do me. However, Borden, make it very clear, that if they even DREAM about doing anything else, I'll personally hang them by their balls.

Borden squirms at this

BORDEN: As you command, Sir.

TAVINGTON: Good, now go about your business...

BORDEN: Yes, Sir...and you, Sir?

TAVINGTON: I have to plot my revenge against Stumpy.


	4. Ladies Tavington to the Rescue!

TAVINGTON: Wilkins?!

Wilkins runs into the room

WILKINS: Yes, Sir?!

TAVINGTON: Nothing, just checking.

grumbles

TAVINGTON: Borden?!

Borden runs into the room

BORDEN: Yes, Sir?!

salutes him

TAVINGTON: I nearly forgot to tell you something very important.

BORDEN: And that would be what, Sir?

TAVINGTON: There is a second beautiful lady.

Borden is not surprised by this

BORDEN: Of course, Sir.

TAVINGTON: Now, she is also, Lady Tavington. I expect the same respect, honour etc...as is bestowed upon myself, and Lady Susanne, in other words, Lady Tavington, senior.

BORDEN: Yes, Sir.

TAVINGTON: And, again, any of the men who even dream about doing anything beyond breathing around her, either of them really, and I will personally hang them by their balls.

Borden squirms again at that

TAVINGTON: Do I make myself very clear on that point?

BORDEN: Yes, Sir, it's very clear.

the Colonel smiles

TAVINGTON: Good.

BORDEN: Sir?

TAVINGTON: Yes, Borden?

BORDEN: Don't you think, that some of the men might object to you having two women? And, with the title of Lady Tavington, sir?

Tavington glares at him coldly

TAVINGTON: Not if they value their lives, as well, as their balls.

waves saber and musket at Borden, who tries to dodge them

BORDEN: Oh, I see, Sir. What about Stumpy and Captain Wilkins?

rolls eyes

TAVINGTON: Neither of them will come within an inch of my women! But then again...

thinks about this

TAVINGTON: Perhaps, my lovely Ladies could help us with that problem?

BORDEN: Perhaps they could, Sir?

TAVINGTON: Borden?

BORDEN: Yes Sir, right here Sir.

shakes his head

TAVINGTON: I can see that, Borden. No, find my ladies, and send them to me...I have a mission for them.

rubs hands together and laughs evilly

BORDEN: Yes, Sir!

TAVINGTON: Oh shut up and get out of here!


	5. Vegetarians Make Great Camp Followers!

TAVINGTON: What is this blasted stuff she's feeding me?!

BORDEN: Erm, no idea, Sir.

has another taste

TAVINGTON: Well, it's not really that bad...tastes a bit fruity, smooth and creamy.

hands spoon and container to Borden

TAVINGTON: There, have a taste of it, and tell me what you think.

Borden eats a spoonful, makes a face

BORDEN: Yugh, Sir, this is disgusting!

grabs the spoon and container back

TAVINGTON: At least, SHE offers to feed us, Borden! The rest of this mangy group refuses to even give us water for our horses!

BORDEN: Yes, Sir. She does do that...but still, you'd think she'd give us something with taste, Sir?

rolls eyes at him

TAVINGTON: It's not that bad, Borden...honestly, you complain too much.

reads label on container

TAVINGTON: It's called, 'Tofutti.'

BORDEN: 'To-' what, Sir?

TAVINGTON: T-O-F-U-T-T-I, Borden! Are you damn deaf?!

BORDEN: No, Sir!

TAVINGTON: A bit like ice cream...

reads label again

TAVINGTON: Says here, it's made from something called, 'tofu.'

BORDEN: Tofu, Sir?

TAVINGTON: WILKINS?!

Wilkins wanders in

WILKINS: Sir?

TAVINGTON: Do you have any idea what 'tofu' is?

thinks about it

WILKINS: I think, Sir, it's a soybean product.

TAVINGTON: Oh yes, now I see. Here, have a taste of this.

Wilkins tastes it

TAVINGTON: Well?

WILKINS: Tastes fruity, Sir.

TAVINGTON: Yes, I know that...anything else?

WILKINS: Yes, Sir...

stares at him

TAVINGTON: Well, Wilkins?!

WILKINS: Who gave it to you, Sir?

TAVINGTON: Lady Susanne.

WILKINS: Oh, well I suppose it's normal for her to eat...she's a vegetarian, Sir.

stares at him again

TAVINGTON: She's a what, Wilkins?

WILKINS: She doesn't eat meat, Sir.

The Colonel ponders this

TAVINGTON: Well, that can't be true...

BORDEN: It is, Sir.

WILKINS: Quite true, Sir, she is.

TAVINGTON: Hmmm...I find that rather hard to believe.

BORDEN: Why is that, Sir?

eyes him for a moment then smiles wickedly

TAVINGTON: Well, at the risk of sounding like a horrid pervert, I do believe she DOES like to eat meat...

Borden & Wilkins look confused

BORDEN: She does, Sir?

stares at them in disbelief

TAVINGTON: Are you hot blooded males, or not?!

they both nod

BORDEN: Yes, Sir!

WILKINS: Of course we are, Sir!

TAVINGTON: Do you understand what I'm saying here? She DOES like to eat meat!

WILKINS: Ah yes, which meat would she prefer?

The Colonel smiles slowly

TAVINGTON: Why mine, of course, Wilkins! And, she NEVER goes away unsatisfied, either.

licks his lips seductively

BORDEN: I see what you mean, Sir.

WILKINS: But Sir, isn't she married?

rolls eyes and shakes head

TAVINGTON: Why is it, Captain Wilkins, that you always feel the urge to rain on our camp?

WILKINS: Just saying, Sir...

TAVINGTON: Oh nevermind! All you need to know is, she prefers MY meat over any other!

BORDEN: Of course, Sir...thank you for telling us, Sir.

WILKINS: Yes, Sir.

TAVINGTON: It is my duty, as you Colonel, to keep you well informed of things. However, just because you know this information, does not mean it goes beyond this tent! I shudder to think, that it could be used against me in any way.

Stumpy runs into the Colonel's tent

STUMPY: Aha! I knew it! You're a rogue!

all three look at him in amusement

TAVINGTON: And that, is what I meant by 'used against me.'

STUMPY: Why do you always get the women, Tavington?!

Tavington laughs

TAVINGTON: Oh good God, Stumpy! Isn't it obvious?!

Stumpy stares at him blankly

TAVINGTON: The 'Shaving Scene!' Me on a horse, in ANY scene! Me in my Colonel's uniform! Stumpy, what else do you need?! Hell, even me being killed by you, makes the women start to drool! I make dying look erotic!

STUMPY: You're not that wonderful, Tavington.

shakes head

TAVINGTON: Wilkins?!

WILKINS: Sir?!

points saber at Stumpy

TAVINGTON: Get your boyfriend out of my sight, before I run him thru with my sword...

Wilkins ushers Stumpy out of the tent

TAVINGTON: Borden?!

BORDEN: Yes, Sir?!

TAVINGTON: Go find one of my ladies, and be quick about it...Stumpy has given me a headache, and I need them to cure it.

BORDEN: Yes, Sir.

TAVINGTON: Good, but do be quick, Borden.

BORDEN: Sir?

TAVINGTON: What is it, Borden?

BORDEN: How would your ladies be able to cure your headache? Perhaps the doctor could...

The Colonel stares at him

TAVINGTON: Borden, the kind of headache I have, is to be cured only by my LADIES! Unlike Wilkins, I don't need the "doctor." Do you know what I'm saying, Borden?

Borden thinks about it, his eyes widen in understanding

BORDEN: Sir! yes, Sir! I'll get your ladies right away, Sir!


	6. Stumpy Learns the Bitter Truth!

**Tavington: **Ah, seems they've discovered I have a sense of humour...interesting.

_Borden enters the Colonel's tent_

**BORDEN: **Anything wrong, sir?

_Tavington grins_

**Tavington: **Not that I know, Borden. _eyes him _Why, should there be?

_Borden grins back_

**Borden: ** You said they've discovered you have a sense of humour...

**Tavington: **I did, true. Now, being that they know this, we must cover it up! Can't have people believing I'm soft or any of that rot. I mean seriously, what would that do to my reputation as _The Butcher_? I'd end up being called _The Joker_ or something worse!

_Borden smirks_

**Borden: **They already have someone called that, sir. A comic book character, I believe.

**Tavington: **You don't say?! _stares at Borden for a second _What's this comic book thing you speak of?

**Borden: **Think Stumpy, sir.

_Tavington snickers weirdly_

**Tavington: **Oh really? Yes, he is a bit funny at times...funny _looking_, too. Why he ever wanted me to stand in that blasted trench, just so he could feel superiour...I tell you, it was humiliating!

_Borden raises eyebrow_

**Borden: **For you, sir?

_The Colonel sneers coldly at him_

**Tavington: **For me?! Of course it was! I would think, they'd have found someone who could actually look me in the eye, before they went and made him the star of the movie! And then, it had to have been humiliating for Stumpy, since he's so bloody short! Him trying to mount a horse, was priceless to see!

_Stumpy jumps out from behind Borden_

**Stumpy: **Oh I just bet it was!

**Tavington: **Oh for crying out loud, he's back again...

**Stumpy: **Yes I am...die, die you nasty Limey!

_Tavington stares at him_

**Tavington: **You're kidding?

_Stumpy waves a flag pole around_

**Stumpy: **No, I am not kidding, sir!

**Tavington:** Borden, tell me something...

**Borden: **Yes, sir?

**Tavington: **How is it, that he always seems to know when to show up? And, at all the wrong moments?

**Borden: **No idea, sir.

_Stumpy keeps waving flag pole around and chanting_

**Tavington:** Is he serious?!

**Stumpy: **We Americans fought for our independance! _waves flag pole at the Colonel_

_Both Tavington & Borden stare at him_

**Tavington:** Should I tell him, Borden?

**Borden: **I think it best, sir.

**Tavington: **Look here, Stumpy...you keep waving that pole around and chanting how you _Americans_ fought for independance and all that...

_Stumpy points pole at him_

**Stumpy: **Of course we did!

_Tavington rolls his eyes and smiles sympathetically at him_

**Tavington: **Stumpy, I really hate to break this to you...but, I feel it is my duty, and you know what I said about that...but, I do believe what I am about to say to you, will be a real pleasure for me...

**Stumpy: **I just bet it will be, Tavington! What could you possibly have to tell me, that matters to us Americans?

_Bordens doubles over laughing_

**Tavington: **Stumpy...

**Stumpy: **What?

_more laughing and snickering_

**Tavington: **You're not American.

**Stumpy: **Why you...what?!

**Tavington: **You, regardless of where you live now...you're from _Australia._

_Stumpy glares at the Colonel_

**Stumpy: **So?

**Tavington: **_stares at him in disbelief_ I take that back...

**Stumpy: **Yes, you better take it back, Tavington...that's not...

**Tavington:** You're from another planet apparently.


	7. The Legion, Erm, Harem Needs You!

**Tavington:** Wilkins!

_Wilkins runs in_

**Wilkins: **Sir?

**Tavington:** Any news?

**Wilkins: **News, sir? Oh, no news today, sir...everything is ship shape and ready to go.

**Tavington:** Well, that's good to hear. Finally, nothing can go wrong! Everything is in order, I need not get angry over anything...and the best part...

**Wilkins:** The best part, sir?

_The Colonel grins_

**Tavington: **No Stump...

_Stumpy saunters into the Colonel's tent_

**Stumpy:** Fooled you again!

_The Colonel rolls his eyes_

**Tavington:** I spoke too soon apparently...sheesh...

**Stumpy: **And you were thinking I'd left?!

**Tavington:** Is there not anything you can be doing? As far away from here as is possible? I mean, as in another country altogether?

_Wilkins snickers_

**Stumpy:** _eyes Wilkins _ No, why should I leave?

**Tavington: **Because you are an annoying little rebel pest?

**Stumpy:** Honestly, why?

_The Colonel blinks and stares at him_

**Tavington: **You make me want to run myself thru with a couple bayonets...not to mention, you keep trying to entice my men to come over to your side, and all for what?!

**Stumpy: **Because, we won the war...

_More eye rolling_

**Tavington: **I hardly doubt that's a good reason. You've had Wilkins running round after you like a lovesick puppy! Are you mental?!

**Stumpy:** Mental? Me? Yeah...that's not funny Tavington!

_Borden enters the tent_

**Borden: **Sir, I have good news.

**Tavington: **Thank the Gods! What is it?

**Borden: **Lt. Colonel Tarleton answered your letter. I have it here, if you'd like to look at it?

**Tavington: **It's about time the old man answered me!

**Stumpy:** Tarleton? As in Banastre Tarleton?

**Tavington: **Yes, as in Banastre Tarleton...who else would it be?

_Stumpy eyes the letter in the Colonel's hand_

**Stumpy: **You know who he is, right?

**Tavington: **_rolls eyes at Stumpy _Yes, of course I know who he is!

**Stumpy: **Isn't he the one _you_ were based on?

**Tavington: **What if he is?

**Stumpy: **He didn't even die!

_Borden & Wilkins leave the tent...fast_

You?!

**Tavington:** No, he didn't...

**Stumpy: **But you did...

**Tavington:** There you go again! Always reminding about that...do you get a particular joy out of me dying or something?!

**Stumpy: **Of course I do! Revenge for you killing both Thomas and Gabriel! Tarleton didn't kill any of my family!

**Tavington: **_snickers at this_ No, he didn't...now see here you short little man, wasn't your character Francis Marion, _Swamp Fox_?

_Stumpy nods happily_

**Stumpy: **Indeed he was...nothing bad can be said about him...unlike you, or that Tarleton fellow.

**Tavington:** At least our names are remembered, Stumpy...how many do you know of, wrote anything about Francis Marion?

**Stumpy:** A couple biographies...

**Tavington: **Not that sort of thing! Fan fiction stories?! Romance! Drama! Poetry! How many have wrote anything like that about him?!

**Stumpy: **Well...not about him, mind you...but about _me_.

_The Colonel shakes his head slowly_

**Tavington: **You?! Not you! Him!

**Stumpy: **Don't see much on Tarleton, either...what's your point, Tavington?

**Tavington: **_pulls out a huge leatherbound book and shakes it at Stumpy _Care to place a wager on that?

**Stumpy: **How much?

**Tavington: ** Oh, how about...nothing too big...oh, a thousand pounds?

_Stumpy looks shocked_

**Stumpy:** A thousand pounds?! I don't have that kind of money!

**Tavington: **I thought you did?

**Stumpy: **Did you see what my last movies made?!

**Tavington: **Funnily enough, yes I did...again, I sincerely apologise for that...

_Stumpy stares at him_

**Stumpy:** Yes, so I don't have that kind of money...

**Tavington: **Well, what do you have?

_Stumpy goes thru his wallet_

**Stumpy: **Well, let's see now..._starts counting_...I have about four dollars, plastic and two sticks of gum.

**Tavington:** That's it?

**Stumpy: ** Yes, that's all I've got...

**Tavington: **What's the plastic thing?

**Stumpy: **It's a credit card, use it in place of money...

**Tavington: **Eh, no...I'll pass...four dollars and two sticks of gum? Hmmm...okay fine, I'll take that! Not to mention, your eldest daughter, too..

_Stumpy stares at him again_

**Stumpy: **What do you want my eldest daughter for?!

**Tavington: **My ladies and myself, are in need of a good servant...and, since your last few movies have all been well, shall we say, pitiful...someone has to support you. I would think, you'd be happy to get money any way you can...besides, she's also quite pretty. Never know, she could make a fine addition to my harem...

**Stumpy: **WHAT?!

**Tavington: **You heard me, Stumpy...

**Stumpy: **My daughter will not be part of your Limey harem, Tavington!

**Tavington: **Is that so?

**Stumpy: **Yes, it is!

**Tavington: **Alright then...I mean, honestly, all you had to do was say that _you_ wanted in...

**Stumpy: **WHAT?!

**Tavington: **You're going to need alot of help...

**Stumpy: **WHAT?!

**Tavington: **I know the make-up people can do wonders these days, but you...that will take an act of the Gods...

_shudders at the thought_

_Stumpy runs out of the tent in tears_

**Tavington: **Not everyone can look as dashingly handsome as I do...

_snickers evilly_


End file.
